Symbolism and Composition as tools for gaining clarity...

Its been a while since I posted.  This is a drawing I did a month ago, but there is interesting learning to share about it. 
Drawing your emotions or feelings can result in abstract imagery or in this case symbolic imagery. 

The great learning here is that through the creative process of developing symbols and arrangement on the page (composition) one can gain greater clarity and insight to issues, challenges, dreams, goals or personal situations.  This process is akin to using story-boarding to draw desired outcomes in the Creative Problem Solving process.

Here I began by drawing a phrase I had written "I'm on the edge of the cliff and want to fly."  I knew the basic pose of the figure, but had to make conscious choices as to the direction the figure was going to face, how much of the figure the viewer would see, the perspective, the colors and so on.  Then other elements had to be added to complete the scene.  As I was thinking and working it became clear that creating symbols for the challenges, issues and dreams involved helped to identify them and categorize them.  Then, as true with any building or creating exercise,  choices had be made as to where to place these symbols in different areas on the page.  I had to think about the size of the symbol where it was going to go in relation to the other symbols and images.  I had to think about direction, position, dominance, subordination, and connections between or among the symbols.  An interesting task emerged.  I realized that my feelings and emotions connected with the symbols played an important role into its placement, size and position. I had to be mindful to my feelings about each symbol in order to place it on the page in the appropriate place to communicate a desired meaning.  Did it generate a feeling of happiness, rejection or distain, hope or anticipation?  Was the symbol representing something present but insignificant in light of other symbols/factors?  Did it overshadow something else?  Were my feelings about a symbol complicated or clear?  Based on my feelings about what the symbol represented I had to make decisions as to where it made 'sense' to place the symbol in relation to the figure; in front of it or behind it?  How big or small should it be? bright or dark in color? and so on.  Asking these questions and being incredibly mindful of the emotions connected with the symbols,  forced me to think about how one piece relates to another and helped to clarify importance and brought to light fears, joys, and expectations in my current situation.  By paying close attention to the emotions and feelings connected with the issues represented by the symbols the relationships among them can be determined through composition.

 

Mindfulness is vital here.  This process can only be used to gain clarity if a person creates these symbols and compositions with direct and honest connection to what is being felt at that moment - so whatever is in the present can be released to be seen.    I look at this drawing now and because my situation is different - its been a few weeks...  my mind is working on other things and other issues.. the relevance (maybe?) has dwindled a bit...

 

Since doing this drawing I have used this principle in creating some diagrams or visual maps of other emotional challenges and found that using symbolism and composition are excellent tools for bringing clarity to issues and situations. 

Interestingly, I found even greater clarity when showing a very few selected very close friends my drawings.  Their questions and responses to my artwork further deepened my understanding of a situation and helped open my mind to greater meaning to the situations I was representing.

"Art heals - do something with the pain"

This fast sketch marks a significant point of beginning for me.  I can post it now, because I am no longer in the same place as this image signifies.  Now, vulnerabilities have shifted, so this story and image can be risked.   I drew it two months ago and was the first time I trusted my actions of my hand and and strokes of the pencil to expressing an immediate, raw, personal and immediately experienced emotion. 

A fascinating thing happened here.  I am one usually to think, and process and think and think and process emotions and reactions over and over in my brain and in my heart to the point of nausea.   Here, a few hours after I  finished talking about this project with my professor, something happened in my personal life to make me feel incredibly angry and considerably rejected.  Inspired, instead of processing in my head, I took to the page.  First I wrote, spelled out everything I was feeling and gave myself a written statement of affirmation; and, then I decided to trust.  --Trust the words of Shaun McNiff in his book Art Heals: How Creativity Cures the Soul (which I had been reading) which say:  "Art heals by accepting the pain and doing something with it."

This sketch emerged, it took maybe 20 minutes.  But most importantly it is what the process of creating it did that was remarkable.  Upon finishing, I felt a release of the negative emotions I was carrying concerning the situation.  The anger I was feeling, which had brought me to tears, had dissapated.  I wrote under the sketch right after I made it:  "the creating brings me to a feeling of centeredness, calm and reminding me of who I am.  I can, again, breathe."

That wasn't the end of it though.  Interestingly, in the past, as I have said, I would perseverate on those things that annoy me or make me frustrated.  The memory of a look, or some words would be replayed over and over in my mind, often for a long time and even days.  In this case, doing something with those words and looks, namely creating written poetry and a fast sketch caused me to release those emotions.  So that an hour later, I consciously paused what I was doing and realized the memory of the situation which caused the raw emotions was almost gone in my brain.  I recorded in my journal:  "Its as if the action of drawing it erased it from my emotional consciousness - erased it from my emotional presence.  Calm, peace remain."

I never really understood art therapy before.  This was a completely new way to experience art making for me.  Being aware of the emotion (a creative affective skill) and accepting whatever pain that came along with that emotion is one thing, a very important thing.. But, when I actually created something with it -- doing something with it-- is when I truthfully experienced healing power.  Two months later I am still awed by it and feel the benefits from this one exercise/experience.  As I think back now over the past weeks, I don't think I have reached the same level of anger over the same types of situations involving the same or similar triggers as when creating this sketch.  Creating does have healing power.

Owning our story...

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.  Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy-- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.  Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."
wise words from Dr. Brene Brown in her book The Gifts of Imperfection:  Letting Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.

An attempt to treat an addiction...

I have this problem.  I find it incredibly easy to treat the challenges in my life with avoidance- and medicate them with the escapist technique of immersing myself in the stories of other peoples' lives portrayed by actors in movies and TV shows.  Netflix will be my downfall.

So, I tried something three weeks ago.   I drew what it feels like to watch as much TV as I sometimes do.  Here, what resulted was an image of my brain being sucked from me into the screen.  You know the feeling.  While drawing this, I became very aware at how creepy it all can be, and how much I might be loosing by engaging in extra screen time.  With that mindfulness an interesting thing resulted.  After drawing this, I had no interest in watching any form of TV or movie for about two and a half weeks.  What caused me to turn on the TV again?  Not wanting to face my own reality.  Perhaps its time to create another drawing….
Perhaps its time to create another drawing and put in ON the TV….  :) 

So… What is this project?

I am in my last semester of graduate work at SUNY Buffalo at the International Center for Studies in Creativity.  It has been a remarkable journey the last three years - full of the most life changing learning I have ever experienced.  The work I present in this blog is part of my final project to gain my M.S. degree. Here are a few words of explanation from my recently written concept paper:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

            Erroneously attributed to Nelson Mandela, the above quote was actually written by Marianne

Williamson in, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", Ch. 7, Section 3 (1992) 190.  I found this quote shortly after graduating college twenty years ago, at a time when my path was full of exciting possibilities and vast opportunities.  This quote has held special meaning for many.  It was included in the movie Invictus, about Nelson Mandela and the South African Rugby team.  A secularized version was included in the film Coach Carter.   Now, I come back to this quote as an old friend, as a reminder because it is into that frightening light I seek to propel myself by doing this project. 
            The purpose of my master’s project is to further develop my painting and drawing skills and specific affective skills related to creativity (mindfulness and being aware of emotions) in exploration of the creative process and the necessary discipline involved in becoming  “an artist.”   In addition, using my own art making skills and affective skills as a base, I wish to discover how the creative process of art making combined with Creative Problem Solving can bring about emotional healing.   A far reaching goal or perhaps a wishful byproduct is to experience the empowering nature of creativity to build confidence and pave a way toward a personal sense of greater self-actualization.  It is from that place of greater self-actualization that I will become a more effective, more positive, and more experienced agent of creative change for others. 

Begin where you are….

I tell my students:  "Start with what you know, to get to what you don't know."
It is a reminder to begin where you are, acknowledge where you are at in a process and build off what you know to learn and grow and discover that you can arrive at the place that you didn't know you could get to… ( and this works very logically when helping fourth graders with their math homework…)

I had a recent reminder of this concept weeks ago, when I started doing work for this project.  A friend had agreed to pose for me in my quest to get back into painting and art-making. After getting set up, her husband asked if he could stay and watch the process.  Normally I feel uncomfortable when being watched while sketching, but I found myself using his presence as part of the process.  I know how to be a teacher, having done that for so many years.… I have read and studied enough of artists' process to know what a "real artist" would do to start the painting, and I remember from years ago when I did this more often.  Still, it is always scary to start.  So while he was in the room, I started scribbling on the newsprint with charcoal.. It has been so long since I felt that feeling!  Warming up, making the marks I tore off the first page and began another.. using the marks to guide me… I made a conscious decision to trust the marks on the page.. As I smudged and smeared, I started to describe to my friend's husband what I was seeing in the marks… a few minutes of laying on the charcoal, erasing and smudging revealed a man's back, muscled shoulders and a down turned head.  This came out of the scribbles I was doing on the page, not from observation or anything that I was trying to do… As I allowed my self to teach the process as I understood it to him, I was able to do the process myself.  Trusting that process, I was able to create, and through creating calm my fears about starting.. The next hour was spent working on the pose of his wife where I was actually able to get to the brink of the Zone -- that place where all time and consciousness stops.  Starting doesn't seem quite as scary after that.

So if you are a writer who finds yourself in a block, only able to write down shopping lists and to do lists.. or a musician who can only do chopsticks…. start with that.. begin with what you know, trust it, build from it -- and don't worry about the outcome, trust that process to get to what you don't know, and before long, you will begin to know what you don't know too.

Sunflowers feed my soul.

Here is a photo of one I took last August.  Feeling the warmth of it now!