This fast sketch marks a significant point of beginning for me. I can post it now, because I am no longer in the same place as this image signifies. Now, vulnerabilities have shifted, so this story and image can be risked. I drew it two months ago and was the first time I trusted my actions of my hand and and strokes of the pencil to expressing an immediate, raw, personal and immediately experienced emotion.
A fascinating thing happened here. I am one usually to think, and process and think and think and process emotions and reactions over and over in my brain and in my heart to the point of nausea. Here, a few hours after I finished talking about this project with my professor, something happened in my personal life to make me feel incredibly angry and considerably rejected. Inspired, instead of processing in my head, I took to the page. First I wrote, spelled out everything I was feeling and gave myself a written statement of affirmation; and, then I decided to trust. --Trust the words of Shaun McNiff in his book Art Heals: How Creativity Cures the Soul (which I had been reading) which say: "Art heals by accepting the pain and doing something with it."
This sketch emerged, it took maybe 20 minutes. But most importantly it is what the process of creating it did that was remarkable. Upon finishing, I felt a release of the negative emotions I was carrying concerning the situation. The anger I was feeling, which had brought me to tears, had dissapated. I wrote under the sketch right after I made it: "the creating brings me to a feeling of centeredness, calm and reminding me of who I am. I can, again, breathe."
That wasn't the end of it though. Interestingly, in the past, as I have said, I would perseverate on those things that annoy me or make me frustrated. The memory of a look, or some words would be replayed over and over in my mind, often for a long time and even days. In this case, doing something with those words and looks, namely creating written poetry and a fast sketch caused me to release those emotions. So that an hour later, I consciously paused what I was doing and realized the memory of the situation which caused the raw emotions was almost gone in my brain. I recorded in my journal: "Its as if the action of drawing it erased it from my emotional consciousness - erased it from my emotional presence. Calm, peace remain."
I never really understood art therapy before. This was a completely new way to experience art making for me. Being aware of the emotion (a creative affective skill) and accepting whatever pain that came along with that emotion is one thing, a very important thing.. But, when I actually created something with it -- doing something with it-- is when I truthfully experienced healing power. Two months later I am still awed by it and feel the benefits from this one exercise/experience. As I think back now over the past weeks, I don't think I have reached the same level of anger over the same types of situations involving the same or similar triggers as when creating this sketch. Creating does have healing power.
